Real or Not Real - One
by TigerPrincessMononoke
Summary: An in-depth retelling of Katniss and Peeta's lives after their return to District 12. More of an elaboration on Suzanne Collins' work, we learn about the good, the bad, and the ugly days before finding happiness and peace of mind.
1. 1 - Awake

Hello readers! Thank you for stumbling upon my humble story. I am TigerPrincessMononoke, TPM for short. I hope that you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. I must confess, it will be a little slow at first because I think that Katniss and Peeta need to be properly introduced and the mood needs to be set first, but it will get more exciting I promise! And of course, since this is a romance, it will get more emotional. Stick around, give me feedback if you can, and let me know if you love it, hate it, are "meh" with it, and I thank you for your time.

-TPM

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor do I own the cover image for this story.

* * *

I am startled out of my nightmare by the sound of a shovel. Having just escaped the horror of being buried alive by all the people whose deaths loom over my head, a cold shiver makes its way down my spine. I have half a mind to scream at the person who's responsible for such a haunting sound, when I stop short at my front door. There he is. His hair, his skin, his movements, his eyelashes. All of Peeta Mellark kneels before my house planting some sort of bush. His eyes, those clear blue pools of warmth, look straight at me, having heard my quick footsteps to the door.

"You're back." The rest of my words fail me. I quietly scold myself for saying something so obvious and stupid. I try again. "What are you doing?" It's not much of an improvement but at least it's a question.

"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he is looking at me a little cautiously, as if he knows how delicate my sanity has been, how raw my emotions are. "I thought we could plant them here along the side of the house."

I finally tear my eyes away from his face, noting that the clouded look in his eyes is gone, if only momentarily, representing his improved state. In comparison I. . .

And then my eyes settle on the bushes again. I feel my blood start to freeze when the word 'rose' registers in my mind, and then I finish the name and realize I'm staring at evening primrose. Prim. I start to lose my grip as the various emotions this gesture rises in me threatens to overwhelm me. I manage a nod before closing my door and letting my mind race. I feel grief, overwhelming grief as my pain is renewed, but I also feel warmth in the pit of my stomach from the consideration that Peeta has given me yet again. To be able to recover enough to want to do something like this for my sake, I practically choke on the amount of gratitude and guilt I feel for this boy.

I suddenly feel restless, not wanting to think about these complicated and painful emotions any longer. I spend the next hour shedding off the lethargy that I have been soaking in for days. I burn the clothes I've been wearing since I first returned to this house, and I painstakingly comb my neglected hair out.

Greasy Sae comes shortly after, to feed me again. I start to look like my old self again as she fills me in on what's going on. I ask about Gale first. Hearing about him, living in District 2, a fancy official, important enough to be on television sometimes, I feel a sort of distance. I try to think of my best friend, as I knew him. Our silent pact to support each other in the woods, our trust, our first kiss, and the ones that followed, his embrace, the way he looked, and the way he thrived in District 13. The way he held his weapon when we stormed the capital, and the way he followed me, never doubting me. Instead of anger, hatred, or longing, I feel relief.

He was always destined for bigger things. I can't help but imagine what would have happened if his name ever was called at the reaping. I have no doubt he could've had a fair chance at winning, but I think about what kind of victor he would have become afterwards. Would he have returned to the seam, professed his love for me, and promised to take care of me? Would I have let him?

I push this train of thought away. It doesn't serve any purpose now since I was the one who went in the arena and survived. And now the games are over. That's that. I silently say my goodbye to Gale because it feels like our friendship, whatever pact we previously had to survive, clinging to our lives and our pride, is gone. Gale can finally reach his full potential, and I will slowly waste away as repentance.

After Greasy Sae leaves, I go to hunt, not because I need to, but because I feel like I've awoken from a really long drug-induced nap, and I need to feel my body move, to make sure I'm still alive.

Walking into town, the first person I come across is Thom, one of Gale's old crewmate, wearing a mask and gloves, gathering remains. I give my poor attempt and small talk before relieving him to return to his task. I take care to direct my eyes away from the back of the cart he rides in, and whatever else may remain on the grounds. At the meadow I have to brace myself for the change in landscape. A massive pit has been dug, a large grave for my lost people. My palms start to sweat and I hurry around the pit to the edge of the fence before ducking under it.

I expect to find relief in the woods, but it feels foreign without Gale.

That night, Buttercup, Prim's ugly cat returns.

* * *

It takes a little while for me to stop crying after that. When I do settle down, after crying with Buttercup, and once again with my mother over the phone, I feel a wave of fatigue like I've just run for the past couple of weeks. This is when Peeta shows up.

I smell the bread before I hear him coming, and then there he is. The morning light streams in and bathes him in a warm light as he walks into the kitchen. He doesn't say anything to me after seeing my face, my eyes red and swollen from crying. I am once again grateful for his mercy.

Greasy Sae is the next to come in. If she is surprised by Peeta's presence, she doesn't show it. We eat a quiet breakfast together. I steal glances in Peeta's direction, watching his jaw as he chews, his hand holding the fork, the eyelashes that brush his cheeks when he blinks. I look back across the table to see Greasy Sae is watching me.

Feeling like I've been caught doing something, I quickly lower my gaze and focus on my eggs. My cheeks feel warm and I suddenly feel fidgety. Suddenly Greasy Sae stands up and clears her plate, washing it, and picking up her things and leaving without a word. Peeta and I watch her go in silence.

"What are you doing today?" Peeta asks, not looking at me as he continues his breakfast. His tone is casual but slightly forced.

"You don't have to stay here if you don't want to. I'll be fine on my own." I say, willing him to leave me, but feeling a longing inside me, knowing I'll be crushed all over if he does leave.

Realizing my longing gives me a start. I quickly dismiss the thought and push the feeling away. I am not allowed to be happy. Surely the Capitol sent him here as part of my punishment.

"I was going to ask for your help with the rest of the planting." Peeta says ignoring my statement. He finishes his food and finally looks at me. Those blue eyes stare into my soul and my resolve to keep him at arms length starts to crumble.

Let me get changed." Is all I reply with. As I make my way upstairs, I hear the sound of plates in the sink, as Peeta does the dishes. When I come back down, he's drying off the silverware. I look at his back profile. He is thin, but his body seems sturdier than before. His shoulder blades poke through the fabric of his shirt. I am once again aware that he is not a boy. He is slowly becoming a man.

My thoughts are interrupted when Peeta turns around. The rest of the morning, we work in front of my house quietly. His hands exert strength as he digs a hole for the roots, and then become so gentle when he handles the bush, carefully placing it in the hole, making sure it isn't suffocated, and then supporting it by piling dirt around the base of the plant.

I end up not being much help as I am too busy watching his hands work, but we are finished by noon and suddenly I find myself trying to find words that will make him stay longer.

"I used to paint, real or not real?" The question startles me.

"Real." I think about the paintings Peeta showed me on the train during the Victor's Tour. It feels like ages ago.

"It's nice out today. Maybe I'll try and paint outside." He says this without looking at me, but I feel something unspoken lingering in the empty space. It takes a moment for me to understand, and when I do, I feel skepticism wash over me.

Can he be this healed? So calm, so comfortable, and so understanding for my sake. He knows my emotions better than I do. Or maybe I'm imagining things and he isn't inviting me, but rather giving me a warning to stay away from outside while he's there.

"I've been meaning to do some reading." I lie. It doesn't necessarily mean anything but I wait for his response.

"I can set up a chair outside." And our afternoon is planned.

Needless to say, I don't get any actual reading done. I picked a book at random from the study in my house and have been reading the same page for the past twenty minutes. My eyes keep gravitating towards Peeta, as if I'm afraid he's going to suddenly disappear or pull out a knife to slit my throat. I'm guarded. But every time I look, he's there, his left profile facing me. His eyes have that far away look again and his brow is slightly furrowed in concentration. Whatever brainwashing he's been through, Peeta is still good with his hands. He breathes life into the blank canvas in an abstract array of colors that warm you up just by looking at it.

I finally resign to my book, trying to actually make my day productive when I hear a clatter. I look up to see that Peeta dropped the brush he was holding. His mouth is clamped shut in concentration and I see a vein in the side of his forehead that pops out. He looks like he's struggling for air. His knuckles are white as he clutches the stool he's sitting on and he shuts his eyes shut. I start to lift a hand, reaching out for him but unsure of what I can do. Then he suddenly storms away, straight for his house without a word. I'm alarmed. I suddenly know what's happened.

Peeta's strength and mental fortitude seems to have crumbled as hallucinations struggle for control. Inside his house I heard something shatter like glass. I think about running to him, the way he has done for me countless times, but my body is frozen. Is this fear? Or is this selfishness? I am overcome by shame.

The thrashing sounds continue and I hear a scream from his house, but I still don't move. Finally, the door to Haymitch's house opens and he head peeks out.

"What in God's name is all that racket!" His words are slurred and his eyes don't find my face right away. I can tell he's sloshed. This manages to release my immobility. I close my unread book, quietly pack up Peeta's art supplies, place them on his doorstep quietly, and retreat to my own house. I feel Haymitch's lazy stare the whole time.

When I make it to my room, I let out uneven breaths, wiping my palms on my pants.

I sit there for a while. When my senses return, the angle of the light through the window is lower. I hear a knock at my front door. Slowly, I make my way downstairs to the door and cautiously open it. There is Peeta, his hair a mess and his body covered in sweat. He looks at me and I wait for his hands to close around my throat again, but they stay by his sides.

"I'm not better yet." He stands there before me, waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say. I was never good with words. Finally I step aside and let him in, without saying anything. I know I'm being reckless, letting an unstable person into my home who previously wanted to kill me, and almost did on several occasions. Peeta paces around my living room, as if waiting for the words to come to him. It is the first time I've truly seen him at a loss for words.

Time passes and I finally feel like I should say something to wake him up. His eyes are still a little clouded, distracted, dangerous. But finally he turns to me, abruptly and seriously.

"Real or not real, I used to love you?" He stares at me with such an intensity I feel his need to know. Without shame, I answer him.

"Real." I barely get the word out before asking his next question.

"Real or not real, you and I were friends." I pause. Were we ever friends? I think back to our conversation on the train when Peeta forgives me and offers to be friends during the Victor's Tour. But so much happened after that I'm not sure if it should really count.

"Real." I finally say. This time, Peeta studies my face for a while before asking another question. This time it isn't because of his need for clarity. this time it's direct.

"Do you think we can become friends again?" And before my mind can say otherwise, before logic can trap the word in my throat, before I can doubt myself, I answer based on my undeniable desire for the old Peeta to return. My Peeta. Not the Capitol's damaged Peeta.

"Yes."


	2. 2 - Vigil

Here we are at chapter 2! I am slowly writing this story, mostly for my own satisfaction, but decided to publish it here in case there are other people who feel similarly deprived of the proper happy ending like myself. Feedback helps me gauge if I'm staying true to Suzanne Collins' characters or if it's all a little OOC. Please let me know if something feels off!

As I mentioned previously, to have a genuine development, believe it is necessary to have the slow movement in the beginning, allowing Peeta and Katniss to re-acclimate to their "peaceful" lives before readdressing their feelings for one another. This chapter is a bit long though since it was hard to find a good place to stop, but I think that the ending has just the right amount of sweetness. The next chapter will have more events though, and yes, some drama.

* * *

Peeta leaves right after I answer, disappearing like a tornado. I'm left standing in my living room, frozen and unsure of what just occurred. I think about my quick answer to his question, hoping he and I could be friends again, and I feel warmth flood to my cheeks. I have never been so forward, so unabashed.

Buttercup chooses this time to show up, grumbling for food. I have a small admiration for his ironic timing, either not knowing or not caring about the conversation that just went down. Rolling my eyes at my envy over a cat, I shake off thoughts of Peeta and make my way into the kitchen, only to realize there's only some leftover bacon from Greasy Sae. I make a note to go hunting tomorrow and split the food with Buttercup. We quietly eat and observe each other from across the table. He had disappeared after our crying session the other day and if possible, I felt an awkwardness settling in between us. Neither of us knew how to tolerate the other before, and after letting our walls down for Prim, we seem to be at a loss for words.

It's a knock on the door that stirs us out of this silence. I finish off the last of my bacon and make my way to the door. Half expecting Greasy Sae, I'm instead surprised to see Thom.

"Hey are you busy?" His skin is coated in a layer of what looks like dirt and dust. I try not to think about the ashes that probably cling to his boots, carrying around the remnants of our village. I look behind me into my empty house and look for something to say in response. My mind draws a blank. Since the end of the war, and my indefinite banishment from the capitol, I haven't had any drive. There was no country that needed my rallying and nobody that needed saving. I didn't have much purpose. A voice in the back of my head quietly points out Peeta but I swallow the thought, not wanting to uncover the lid on that complicated mess yet. I return my gaze to Thom.

"No I'm pretty free these days." I say in as casual a manner as I can manage.

"I wanted to invite you out to the meadow tonight. We're going to hold a vigil for the villagers who… have departed." He chooses his words carefully, knowing the guilt I still feel for my district. It is the guilt I will always feel, weighing on my shoulders.

"I don't know Thom," I start to say. I barely have a grip on myself now, I can't imagine that attending a vigil for all the people who are dead because of my actions in the quell will bode well for my mental stability.

"I think it would be good for you." Thom starts off gently. "None of us see you as the cause. No one could have known that this would be the outcome. And we wouldn't have changed the outcome anyway. I think Gale would have said the same thing too if he were here." I flinch slightly at the mentioning of Gale. Thom's words feel dull against my deadened heart, but I don't want to tell him no when he took the time to come all the way here. "Just think about it. Bring Peeta and Haymitch too if you want. We're all just looking to finally put everything to rest. It wouldn't feel right if we started to rebuild without doing so, you know?" And I do know. Even as I tell Thom I'll think about it, I know that I have to go. I have to say my apologies and my goodbyes. To Madge, the mayor, and everyone at the Hob. Peeta would want to say goodbye to his family as well.

I wait for a while after Thom leaves before I steel my nerves to go to Peeta's. I'm not sure what state he'll be in. Maybe he's calmed down or maybe he's in the midst of another relapse. When I reach the front door I don't hear any movements, leaving me slightly optimistic. I give a small knock at the door and wait. A few seconds later the door opens.

Peeta looks worn, his hair is still as messy as when he came to me earlier but his breathing seems to be even and his nerves seem settled. His eyes aren't clouded and his body language is calm.

"Thom and the others are holding a vigil for everyone at the meadow tonight. He invited us to go." I say quietly, waiting to see how he handles the information. His eyes drop a little and I see a far away look cross his face. Surely he is thinking about his family.

"Ok, yeah. I'll go." He says barely above a whisper. I never did apologize to him about his family. It feels too late to say it now so I don't say anything at all. I leave after we agree to meet at sunset in the middle of the Victor's Village to walk over together. We both don't speak much above a murmur, as if we're afraid to break the delicate peace between us and all our ghosts.

Next I approach Haymitch's door. I don't bother knocking, knowing I wouldn't get a response. Luckily, Haymitch rarely locks his door and I enter the dark house. The smell burns my nose. Alcohol and body odor and old bits of food mix together into a perfume that makes me want to gag. I find Haymitch slumped over in a cushioned armchair in his living room. He tilts his head to the side and lazily looks at me from his seat.

"Looky here. She lives to see another day." I know he's referring to Peeta's breakdown earlier. I'm surprised he can recall the events clear enough to push it in my face. I take a good long look at him, taking in his deteriorated mental and physical state and his brash personality that so similarly mirrors mine. I can't help but look at him and wonder if this is where I would've ended up had I been a regular victor. Would I have turned to alcohol to forget the pain of the games? I think that Haymitch is a fool for letting his life spiral down so tragically, but he has had to watch 25 years of tributes die as he watches helplessly from the mentor's seat. To return to the district, without a victory, I wonder how many families he's had to apologize to. I wonder if I would've come up with the same solution if I had to watch 25 years of tributes walk to their deaths in the arena.

"Come on. We're heading to the meadow at sunset." I decide that's all the information he can manage in this state. I also have the feeling he wouldn't have come if I told him everything either. And maybe I'm a little afraid that he would drink more if I did tell him. He already drinks too much on a normal day. I can only imagine how he would react to the vigil.

Haymitch doesn't seem suspicious though. He only give a grunt and I take it as a yes before quickly retreating to the outside and taking in a deep breath of fresh air. I look back once more at Haymitch's house, a dark and cold looking place, drowned in self-loathing and misery. The fall of the capitol doesn't seem to have improved his outlook much. Then again, my outlook hasn't improved much either.

Pushing these gloomy thoughts aside, I make the short walk back to my house and see that Greasy Sae has arrived and started cooking in my absence. Buttercup rests on the staircase, and quietly acknowledges me with a small noise. I ignore him and settle into a seat in the kitchen. Greasy Sae looks over at me before returning her attention to the stove.

"Have you heard about the meadow?" She asks as she stirs a pot of something. She hardly waits for me to answer before she continues. "It's about time we lay them to rest. It's time to move on." I feel a small sting at her words. She makes it sound so easy to move on, like it's the same thing as taking a shower and washing away everything that's happened.

I sit there in silence, brooding over her words when she turns to me suddenly, as if reading my thoughts.

"We can't rebuild… We can't _live_ if we don't move on." She gives as justification. It still bothers me but I can't find the words to argue with her. I don't want to fight with her anyway, not after she's taken care of me since I returned after killing President Coin. My list of people who don't hate me is already short as it is.

A bowl of soup appears in front of me and we eat in silence. There isn't much to say after her last statement. I hardly taste the food but it helps warm my frozen core. I hadn't realized how cold I was until then. I slowly feel the soup work its way down my arms and into my fingertips, down my legs and into my toes, returning some life to my slight frame. It comforts me like a warm spring day or an embrace from Peeta keeping the nightmares away.

* * *

Reluctantly, our meal comes to an end when I see the sky is starting to change colors as the sun disappears over the tops of the trees. I help Greasy Sae wash the bowls before changing into dark jeans and a black sweater. Spring is coming but the nights are still chilly. I pull on a pair of black boots before wrapping a thick scarf around my neck and making my way to the middle of the Victor's Village. Peeta is just leaving his house wearing a long black coat that reaches his knees and a striped scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. As we meet in the middle, we both glance at Haymitch's door. Unsurprisingly, he hasn't emerged yet.

"Should we go get him?" Peeta asks. I'm hesitant to go back inside, but the same way that Thom thinks I need to go for my sake, I think Haymitch should go for his sake. I nod and we start towards his house. We're about to open the door when it swings open on its own and a wobbly Haymitch is standing before us. He hasn't changed but he looks less like a drunk than before. Peeta finds a coat in the front closet and we stuff his arms into them before half walking, half dragging him outside and towards town.

We arrive at the outskirts of the meadow just as the sun has disappeared over the horizon. The rest of the town has already gathered around the mass-grave and candles are being passed out.

"What is this?" Haymitch asks, and I'm reminded that I never told him where we were going. Peeta gives me a questioning look and I give a weak wince in reply.

"It's a vigil." I say carefully. Haymitch's body seems to tense up at that and I'm half expecting him to make a break for it. But instead, he straightens up a little more. His expression has darkened a bit though.

Slowly, everyone starts to notice our presence and the circle opens up for us to join in. No one has any looks of contempt or anger from what I can tell, but I try not to meet anyone's eyes. Haymitch stands to my right like a frozen statue and Peeta is to my left. Someone gives us candles and a box of matches and we look to an older man who has taken up the position of leading the vigil.

"We are here to remember the people of district 12, who were so brutally taken from us by the former capitol." Everyone's eyes shift lower as everyone's memory flies back to the quarter quell. "We keep them alive in our memories as we look to the future, and pray that they are in a better place now." I feel my pulse begin to quicken and my palms are sweating. I lose my grip on my candle a couple of times and I try not to look like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

Too many faces, too many memories flood my mind and it's all I can do to stop myself from running away myself.

That's when I feel Peeta's hand take mine. I turn my head to him but his eyes stay remain forward. Sweaty palms or not, he gives me a small reassuring squeeze and I feel my heart begin to beat a little slower, my panic washing away. If anyone notices our joined hands, they don't say anything and I selfishly rely on Peeta's sturdy strength to get me through the rest of the vigil. We only separate when it comes time to light our candles and then without words we find each other again, as united as we were in the arena. Except now it's not for the capitol. This time it's for us. This distinction makes it feel all the more intimate.

When the ceremony ends, there is nothing but love. Everyone is talking in small circles about memories and people that are no longer with us. Peeta, Haymitch, and I stand in one awkward triangle of silence. Peeta doesn't let go of my hand once.

"Thanks for coming guys." I turn to see Thom with a soft smile. Like the rest of the coal miners, Thom has the seam look, dark hair and grey eyes and the signs of early aging that the mines and the war did to him. Still, he looks young and healthy and I find that my smile back to him is genuine. Him and Peeta talk about the ceremony while I turn to Haymitch.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I confess.

"It's ok. I see why you didn't." Haymitch grunts in reply. It's not much, but it's all the forgiveness needed between us. I feel a little thankful that I didn't tell him when he wanders off to some of the other villagers and starts to talk to them. He seems uncomfortable, his social skills not being too polished, but everyone already knows him and they invite him into the conversation easily. This was a good thing for him. Which makes me wonder if it was a good thing for me too.

I walk to the edge of the grave, where everyone placed their candles, and crouch down in front of them. I try and think of what I want to say to the dead. I was never very religious, it didn't serve any purpose to my family's survival, but I close my eyes and take the time to think of as many faces as I can this time. With every face, I silently apologize and let them disappear. I don't know how long I'm there for, but as I'm finishing my goodbyes, I hear someone next to me. I open my eyes to see Peeta has joined me.

"Sorry I didn't mean to disturb you." He says, a little bit of concern in his eyes. I shake my head.

"It's ok I was done."

"What did you pray?" He asks.

"It wasn't much of a prayer." I hesitate before continuing. "I was just apologizing."

"For what?" I turn to him and see nothing but genuine confusion.

"For killing them." I say and resent how weak my voice sounds.

"You didn't kill them. The capitol did." He says it so calmly, so assuredly.

"But I'm the one who pushed them to do it." My voice is rising slightly.

"Is this what you think of yourself?" He stares straight into my eyes.

"How can I not?" The pain is so clearly expressed in my voice I'm afraid to say anything more. Peeta continues to stare at me but he doesn't say anything more.

Everyone starts to leave shortly after that. The sun has fully set and the air is starting to get colder. The three of us return to the Victor's Village in silence. Haymitch retreats to his house with a small grunt as goodbye and I start to head to my house when Peeta calls my name. I turn to him, waiting for him to speak but he seems to have nothing to say. We stand there for a little while, staring at each other with eyes full of unspoken words and unexpressed pain.

"Want some tea?" I ask finally, and I let him inside. We sit in the kitchen in silence, slowly sipping at our cups. Peeta doesn't look at me right away and I sit, waiting for his words to find him.

"I just…" he finally starts. "I don't want you to think that you should be carrying this burden. You were just trying to survive the games. You were disoriented because of Johanna and there is no way you would have known that Snow was going to do this. Even if it happened to District 13, even if he's given you endless threats, it still doesn't mean you are the one who signed everyone's death warrant. Snow was a mad man. He wasn't a rational person. This response was not a logical one so you shouldn't be the one left behind to carry all the blame. And I don't think that anyone blames you either. I certainly don't." And there it is. The topic of Peeta's family hangs in the air. And while his words aren't much different from Thom's words when he first told me no one blames me, Peeta's seem to wash over me like medicine for a headache. I feel myself let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and I finally meet his eyes.

This boy, no, _man,_ in front of me, knows me so well. I'm not sure about everything, not even close, but I know that right now, if he can look at me and say that he doesn't blame me for the death of his family, then maybe I can begin to forgive myself.

"Stay." the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I hear the longing in my words that make me sound more vulnerable than ever. But Peeta doesn't recoil. He quietly stands up, without breaking eye contact, and walks over to me. I rise to meet him and he wraps me in a hug that's more comforting and warming than Greasy Sae's soup. I feel my muscles relax in his embrace as I rest my head on his shoulders.

I'm not sure how long we stay like this before we break apart and make our way upstairs. Without words, Peeta crawls under the blanket of my bed and I climb in after him. The sheets are cold but Peeta's body is warm and I feel a sense of security that I don't feel anywhere else. Sleep comes quickly and before I doze off, I feel his lips lightly brush against my hair.

In this moment at least, I have my Peeta back.


	3. 3 - Comfort

I had my wisdom teeth removed the other day and have been slowly recovering. I was going to wait a little longer before writing more, but I received the most amazing review from an anonymous review. I couldn't reply to her with my immense gratitude for her kind words and support so I decided to pull myself together enough to write the next chapter and give her a proper thank you. I have become so motivated by your words that I wanted to make a small character in your honor. I don't know much about you but I will take the first part of your anonymous name Celine and make a character I hope you like. If you see this and have any requests on how you want her to be, let me know!

* * *

I feel my senses return to me one by one. First I feel the bed sheets covering my body up to my elbows. Next I sense the streams of morning sun pouring in through the curtains of my window. Slowly, my senses grow stronger and I smell a familiar but calming scent. I realize my head is not resting on a pillow, but on something firm. I feel the breath of someone that isn't me blowing on my cheeks. This starts to alarm me and I finally open my eyes to see someone's torso, lightly rising and falling beneath my head. I slowly turn my head to see the peaceful face of an unguarded Peeta. His eyelashes look even longer in the early rays of sun and his blond hair make him look like an angel. He's still asleep based on his steady breathing but I feel myself feeling alert at once. My tired brain starts to recall the previous night. The vigil, the apologies, Peeta's protest, and my asking him to stay. I feel my cheeks grow warm at the embarrassing moment of neediness. I asked Peeta to stay, even though he still has episodes. He could've had an episode at any moment while I was asleep and killed me. I was reckless.

I focus my attention on his sleeping face once more and realize that while I was reckless, I am currently grateful. Grateful that he didn't have an episode of course, but it's more than that. I'm grateful for his existence, driving away the loneliness and the nightmares.

Below me, Peeta stirs and his body repositions itself as his broad arms wrap around me, pulling me closer towards him. In this new position I am face to face with him, my body pressed against his. His breathing slows again and I know he's asleep. I'm burning with shyness at our proximity but Peeta might as well be on another planet.

I think about staying that way, watching him until he wakes up, but my body is still too tense from the lack of personal space. It's a compromising position. If he wakes up suddenly, he could trap me easily, I rationalize. Despite the emotional effect Peeta has on me, my animal instincts from the games haven't left me. I start to pull myself out on Peeta's arms when I feel them tighten with a new strength that lets me know he's no longer just sleeping. A small smile tugs at my lips even though I should feel more trapped.

"Where are you going?" His sleepy voice mumbles. One eyelid opens, revealing a brilliantly blue iris. He closes his eye again and continues to pull me towards him. I can't stop a small laugh from escaping my lips at the playful gesture.

"I thought you were still asleep," I explain. This time both of his eyes open and they focused on me.

"I was. And I was planning on staying that way until you tried to get away." His voice is slightly raspy in a way that makes my stomach flip. "Where were you going to go anyway? This is your house, you can't exactly walk out on me," he teases.

"To the bathroom" I lie. I don't want to admit that I'm still wary around him and kill the lighthearted mood.

"Well, don't let me stop you." He releases his arms and rests his hands behind his head in a relaxed fashion.

"That's just what you were doing." I point out, getting up and walking towards the door to the hall. With no other choice but to head to the bathroom, I take the chance to look at my appearance. Compared to before, I look considerably better. I run my fingers through my bed hair to try and appease the knots that have settled in and I brush my teeth before going back into the bedroom.

Peeta has rearranged himself so now he's sitting up and leaning against a propped pillow. The look of him in the morning light with disheveled hair and a sleepy look is the most attractive version of him I've seen. The capitol version of Peeta when we were still Victors was glamorous and stylish. The District 12 version of Peeta is casual and dusted with flour. But this Peeta is entirely different and a small part of me in the back of my mind relishes that aside from his family and Portia his stylist, I am likely the only person who has seen this side.

"What? Is my hair weird?" Peeta asks, his hands flying to his messy blond locks.

"Yes it looks something close Buttercup," I joke though I'm lying. I don't dare reveal the way he unhinges me just with his bed-head.

"Maybe it'll be my new style," he jokes back. We look at each other for a moment in silence. I'm the one who breaks the stare, averting my eyes to the floor.

"Thanks. For last night." The words sound clumsy coming out of my mouth, not smooth the way that they would sound if Peeta had said them.

"You don't have to thank me." I lift my eyes to meet his. His words are light but his face looks like there are unspoken words there. Whatever they are, he doesn't say them. I'm about to ask when the phone suddenly rings. I nearly jump out of my skin at the sudden disturbance and quickly retreat to the hall to pick up the receiver.

"Ah, she finally answers." The voice on the other end is that of Dr. Aurelius. "I was starting to wonder if you had passed out or died out there. I wondered if I was going to have to go to District 12 to confirm it and how I was going to explain it to Paylor.

"Well I'm alive," I say curtly.

"Yes, well if only you had just answered your phone from the beginning. Then we would have been able to keep our correspondence going by phone. However, Paylor, Plutarch, and I are not so confident in your reliability with answering a phone when we call. A concern somewhat mirrored by your mother as well I might add."

"I'm not a child. I'll be just fine without you having to check up on me all the time." I hear the edge in my voice. What makes matters worse is that Dr. Aurelius' voice remains almost patronizing, worsening my mood.

"Yes we know that. But we still want you to have a full check up anyway."

"Why? I'm perfectly healthy. You don't believe me?" I feel like a child trying to argue my way out of being punished.

"I'm sure you are. But we're not talking about your physical health. Or have you also become comfortable with the topic of Prim?" The name sucks the air out of my lungs and I feel myself sink to the floor. When I can't formulate a response, there's a "hmm" on the other end of the line. "I figured as much. Come to the Capitol. We'll talk when you arrive," Dr. Aurelius concludes, this time in a more sympathizing tone.

"The Capitol?" I choke the words out. Peeta appears in the doorway of my bedroom but I don't acknowledge him. "Why do I have to go all the way to the Capitol?"

"Well I won't be going to District 12." His tone implies that it's a preposterous idea for him to be in District 12. "Besides, it would do you a bit of good to have a change of scenery sometimes. I have completely lost my ability to speak, the weight of his words continue to stifle my voice.

Peeta takes this as an invitation to come forward and take the phone gently from my hands.

"Hello?" He says into the receiver.

"Peeta? Is that you?" I faintly hear on the other end of the line but their conversation is quickly drowned out by my thoughts. The Capitol. Where I killed Coin. Where I last spoke to Snow. Where I stormed his mansion. Where Prim-

My mind shuts down completely. If I had made any sort of progress before when I was joking with Peeta, I seem to have regressed even further. I feel the depression tighten its grip on me.

"Alright we'll see you then." My senses return to me somewhat dulled as Peeta hangs up the phone. I slowly look at him but say nothing. "We're leaving on the next train to the Capitol." He answers my nonverbal question.

When I drop my gaze in defeat, He crouches down before my slumped figure and gently grabs my shoulders, beckoning me to look at him again.

"Hey, it'll be fine. I'll be with you. He said I should come in for a checkup as well anyway. Katniss look at me." I finally lift my eyes. "Katniss you will be ok. The Capitol is big. You won't have to be anywhere that brings up anything bad. And if you need to, you can lean on me." I have lost control of my body and can't formulate a response but his words warm a small part of my dulled soul. I'm reminded once more of Peeta's endless kindness, knowing I'll never deserve it.

* * *

The next train to the Capitol comes at twilight. Peeta spent the day helping me pack and informing Greasy Sae of our departure.

"Eat some good food." She grunted before taking her leave, agreeing to keep an eye on Haymitch. Speaking of, Peeta also went to inform him but he was nowhere to be found in his house. He isn't much of a social person so we weren't sure where else to look for him. With nothing for me to do but wait for the train, I spent my afternoon in the woods. I couldn't muster the energy to do much more than sit and pick at a nearby bush of berries, but the familiar sights and sounds and smells felt more familiar and comforting this time around compared to the last time. When the sun started to set, Peeta appeared and beckoned me back.

Oddly enough, we find Haymitch at the train station. Although there are no other people around him, he's not alone. A gaggle of geese idly waddle around his feet, pecking at the sparse grass and going about their business. Peeta and I exchange a silent look before making our way over.

"Friends of yours?" Peeta asks as if it were a normal question. Haymitch looks down at the birds as if just noticing them for the first time. He gives a nonchalant shrug in response.

"They just flew in from up north." He explains and we don't ask anything else. "Where are you two headed?" He eyes our bags.

"We tried to find you at your house to tell you. We're going to the Capitol. Meeting Dr. Aurelius." Peeta explains giving me a brief look as if checking to see if I'm all right. Haymitch notices and looks at me too.

"Always thought he was a bit of a pompous man." He grunts. It's not much in conversational terms but somehow it makes me feel a little bit better.

When the train finally arrives, Peeta and I board and wave at Haymitch who stays behind with his new friends. We watch each other until he disappears from sight. After another minute, the rest of District 12 shrinks in the horizon and the wide-open lands surround the train. I try to settle into my seat between Peeta and the window, but feel my nerves growing slowly more and more restless.

"Hey" I'm dragged out of my thoughts, turning to look at Peeta. He takes my hand in his and opens his mouth as if to say something else but suddenly the light in his eyes disappears and he clamps his mouth shut. His grip on my hand suddenly becomes deadly, cutting off the circulation to my fingers and I feel a small panic rise in me.

"Peeta?" I search his eyes for any sign of recognition. But his eyes seem a little glazed over. I'm about to try and shake him out of it when he suddenly has me pushed against the window of the train car, one hand pressed firmly against my shoulder, the other gripping my hair and pushing my head into the glass. My heartbeat is loud in my ears and I feel the fear in me rising. His face is red. Either he's full of rage or he's trying to hold himself back. He looks at me like I'm something disgusting.

"Why are you here? Who sent you?" He says in such a hostile voice it's like a completely different person.

"Peeta it's me. You and I are going to the Capitol." I say quietly as if afraid that my voice will set him off.

"The Capitol?" I see the confusion in his eyes.

"Yes the Capitol." I force the words out of my mouth. I need to be brave and help him through this episode. "Think about this morning Peeta. Dr. Aurelius. Haymitch." I say slowly, willing him to remember.

"Dr. Aurelius?" His voice is less hostile now, with the confusion taking over. He loosens his grip a little. I slowly reach up and place my hand over the one that's gripping my shoulder.

"Go through your facts Peeta." I say slowly.

"My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm from District 12..." He mumbles to himself. "...I was taken by the Capitol. I was freed. The war is over?" He says the last one like a question. I nod my head. His grip loosens entirely and he pulls away from me. When his eyes find mine again the brightness has returned and he looks horrified.

"Better?" I ask placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Katniss I-" he cuts himself off. He looks at his hands like they're not his own. "I'm so sorry." His voice cracks slightly and it's no longer loud and accusatory. Now it's small and full of remorse. I feel a pain in my heart that is not physical. I bring his head close to me, pulling him into a hug. He doesn't fight my touch but he feels like a limp doll.

"It's ok. It wasn't really you." I say in a soothing voice I used to only use with Prim when her nightmares would wake her. I run my fingers through Peeta's thin hair and hold him like a child. It wasn't Peeta. It was the Capitol's Peeta. After a little while I feel Peeta's arms wrap around my waist and I feel relief that he has returned to normal.

We stay like this for a while before deciding to try and sleep. We have two bedroom cars on the train but without discussion, we both walk into the same one and curl into each other like we did the previous night. I'm reminded of the Victory Tour and how we slept together on the train then. If you look at us now, not much has changed. We're a little older now, but we're still supporting each other, driving the nightmares away as the world flies by. Tomorrow, we will arrive at the Capitol.


	4. 4 - Capitol

When Peeta and I wake up, the sun is already well into the sky. The train continues rocking slightly as it speeds down the tracks towards the Capitol. I feel my chest constricting the closer we get and I just want to disappear into the warmth of the bed and Peeta.

"We should be arriving in a couple of hours." Peeta says. I bury my face in my pillow, willing the world to stop turning for a while. "Anymore nightmares?" Peeta asks changing the subject when he sees my reaction.

"No," I reappear from the pillow, "you?"

"Nothing." His face looks relaxed like he couldn't have a care in the world. His blue eyes meet my gaze and I'm almost about to look away when he smiles.

"What?"

"Nothing you just have a nice hairdo right now," he says chuckling. My fingers fly to my head and I punch him in the arm. "Ow!" He's still laughing but I don't feel any real anger. I'm about to punch him again because he still hasn't stopped laughing when I suddenly find myself under something heavy pushing me on my stomach into my pillow with my arm twisted behind me. It all happens so fast it takes me a moment to realize what's happened.

"Peeta?" I hear the panic in my voice.

"I knew it. You were trying to kill me." His voice is quiet and harsh. My wrist stings from the force of his grip. My heart is beating in my throat. I'm having trouble breathing because of the pillow smothering half my face.

"I wasn't-"

"Don't lie to me!" This time he's yelling. I can't see his face but I feel his hands trembling as they hold me down. "You're a Capitol dog and you're trying to trick me into going back!" I can't find any words to calm him down. I was never the comforting one. "I'm not stupid so don't lie to me!" I wish someone would come, but I know that no one will disturb a closed room. I have to get us through this myself.

"I know you're not stupid." I start off easy. I will my voice not to break as my mind races, trying to pull the right words to say.

Peeta pushes me deeper into my pillow and my words are partly muffled now.

"I know you're not stupid," I repeat, "like I know that you're just as afraid to go back to the Capitol as I am." I'm half expecting him to completely smother me now to shut me up but he doesn't move. His grip stays firm but I can tell he's listening. I have to keep talking. "I also know that you're kind."

"Not to you," he spits, and the words sting, but still he doesn't get more violent.

"Yes, even to me." I protest. I keep my voice even and I force air into my lungs through the side of my mouth. "You're even more kind to me than I deserve from you. You comfort me at night and you tell me things to try and make me feel better."

"What- what kind of things?" His voice is hesitant, waiting.

"You told me it wasn't my fault all the people in District 12 died." I force the words out and feel tears starting to spring to my eyes.

"District 12?" I can hear the confusion. His grip loosens as his mind works through the information but I don't dare move. My twisted arm is falling asleep and my neck hurts from the pressure but I don't dare move a finger.

"Yes. Do you remember what happened?"

"There was a war. They bombed 12."

"Yes Peeta."

"My family didn't make it." His voice is trembling and sounds small like a child. "A lot of people didn't make it. We stormed the Capitol. You were there."

"Yes." There's silence and I'm afraid to move but then the next thing I feel is Peeta moving his hands from my wrist and gently turning me over so I'm no longer laying on my stomach. I can see him now and there are tears running down his face. I'm alarmed but I know that he's coming back.

"Katniss-" he starts but stops to stifle a sob. I slowly sit up so that my face is level with his. He looks at me with remorse and I know that he's back. "I'm so sorry. I-"

"It's ok." I interrupt before he can say anything else.

"No it's not ok. I hurt you again. I'm not safe." His eyes look panicked and he looks down. I follow his eyes and see my wrist. It's red and you can just make out the outline of fingers. "I did this to you."

"It's not your fault." I move my hand to cover my wrist.

"Yes it is. I did this so it's my fault-"

"Real or not real," I start and he looks at me waiting, his face still wet with tears, "you had an episode." I don't break our stare, forcing him to listen and think.

"Real."

"Real or not real, you came back to District 12 for me?"

"Katniss-"

"Real or not real?" I push forward. I have to remind him of his own kindness. I need to wash away his bad thoughts by showing him his goodness.

"I... Real." He finally says with a sniffle, still searching my eyes.

"Real or not real, you stayed with me all night after the vigil?"

"Real."

"Real or not real, you came to the Capitol to make sure I was ok?"

"Real." His voice is barely above a whisper.

"I could never think that you are capable of this." I lift my wrist. "It wasn't you. _This_ isn't you."

"But Katniss-"

"Real or not real," I interrupt again, "you will stay with me even if I'm a mess?"

"Real." He does not hesitate.

"Ask me that same thing." He's searching my eyes but I don't let up.

"Real or not real, you will stay with me even if I'm a mess?"

"Real." And I know that it's true.

We don't say anything after that. I can see him struggling to find words. His brow is furrowed and his eyes have dropped. Finally, when he wipes his cheeks dry and looks back up at me, I expect words to come out of his mouth but instead I feel hands pulling me forward and I'm brought into Peeta's arms. The same hands that held me down and left a mark on my wrist are now holding me with such gentleness. His arms, still strong from years of lifting flour and his days in the arena, are solid and warm. I take my first deep breath since waking up and allow my eyes to close for a moment.

"How have I been so lucky?" He says into my hair and I bite back the words I want to say, because I don't want this moment to end. Instead, I silently will him to hear the words I say in my head. _'I'm the lucky one.'_

I don't know how long we stay like that but it isn't until a voice announces our upcoming arrival at the Capitol that we break apart and get ready. Now that I'm away from Peeta, my mind clears enough to return to panicking over returning to the Capitol. By the time the train rolls to a stop, I'm a nervous wreck. My palms keep sweating and I almost lose my grip on my bag before Peeta comes and takes it and swings it over his shoulder with ease.

"Let's go." He says encouragingly and I slowly step off the train and onto the spotless platform. I'm greeted with a breeze that doesn't smell anything like District 12 and I feel like I'm on another planet entirely.

"Ms. Everdeen? Mr. Mellark?" I turn and see a man in a crocodile suit with magenta colored boots. His hair is black and shiny and slicked back so it looks like petrified oil and a pair of black shades covers his eyes. "Follow me. I will be taking you to the residence of Dr. Aurelius." He takes our bags from Peeta and walks off to one end of the platform. I notice that he offered no name. Peeta and I follow in silence and soon we exit the station and arrive at a sleek looking car. The man holds the door open for us before walking around to the driver's seat. I stare out the window and wipe my palms on my pants as we speed off in near silence.

The drive is smooth and I feel myself sinking into soft leather. I turn to look at Peeta and I see his jaw is tense. He must be as nervous as I am. Before I realize what I'm doing, I've reached over and grabbed his hand. He turns to me in surprise but quickly gives my hand a small squeeze. I return my attention to the window but I feel grounded by Peeta's hand.

* * *

It isn't long before we're turning off of a larger road onto a smaller one and then we stop before a large iron gate. A second later, the gate opens and we're speeding down the driveway. It isn't until the gate disappears from sight that we see a large mansion sitting in the middle of a large green lawn dotted with fountains and bushes carefully sculpted into odd shapes and patterns.

Peeta and I get out when the car stops and the front door opens to reveal Dr. Aurelius standing there with a pipe in his mouth.

"Welcome, welcome!" He smiles and waits as the driver grabs our bags from the trunk. We follow him inside and the man disappears up a grand staircase. "It is good to see you both alive." He says and I'm sure that he means it literally.

"Thank you for letting us stay in your home." Peeta says in his perfectly polite manner.

"Think nothing of it. This is the most convenient option for me to meet you two and properly evaluate your health. I have everything I need here. Why don't you go up and relax for a bit and I will meet you on the patio for tea." His voice is as pompous as anyone else in the Capitol but there's a slight air of familiarity that makes it more bearable.

I follow Peeta upstairs and we reach the second floor landing just as the man in the crocodile suit appears from a room to our left.

"This is your room Ms. Everdeen." He points to the room he just exited. "And your room is here." He points to a door to the right of mine.

"Thank you." Peeta says and the man makes his quiet retreat back down the stairs. Peeta and I share a slightly curious look before going to check out our rooms. I step onto marble floor and look up to see the ceiling towering over me about 15 feet up. Against the wall to my right, is a bed I could have easily slept in with my whole family and Gale's combined. There are enough pillows for everyone too, some smaller and more ornate. I pull my attention away from the bed, pushing thoughts of Gale and my family out of my head, and see a door at the far side of the opposite wall. I walk over to it, my steps echoing in the room, and peek in to see a bathroom that's as large as my old house in the Seam. A large bathtub is immediately to my left; a long counter runs the length of the wall on my right. Beyond the bathtub is a shower surrounded by clear glass and a toilet is tucked in at the end. The floor is spotless and there are fluffy white towels hanging off of a hanger on one of the glass walls of the shower.

I return to the bedroom and open my bag. The few clothes that I brought all fit in a single drawer in the wardrobe lined up next to the door to the hall. A large mirror and a dressing table sit across it next to the door to the bathroom. Across from the bed, there's a smaller room that is 2 steps down and a big comfy looking couch faces the far wall where a television is mounted to the wall.

"I think I like my room more." I turn to see Peeta with his head poking into the doorway, a playful smile on his face. "I wanted to see if you were ready to head downstairs." He explains. I nod and follow him back down the carpeted staircase and somehow find a couple of French doors that open out into the patio. Dr. Aurelius is already sitting in a cushioned chair.

"Ah, I hope you have settled in?" I quietly take my seat in a small loveseat across from him and Peeta sits beside me. "Good, good." he says, unconcerned that we didn't verbally respond. "Now then. We should go over the plan."

"Plan?" Peeta asks, mirroring my thoughts.

"Yes well, I want to be able to spend time evaluating you separately. And then depending on my diagnosis, I would like you both to stay here for a bit to undergo some treatment."

"What kind of treatment?" I finally speak up.

"Nothing like drugs if that's what you're worried about." Dr. Aurelius gives a wink. "More like a medical vacation. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure you would actually quite enjoy it." When I don't agree his smile falters. "Yes well, perhaps not you Katniss." He says knowingly. "But all the same, you two should be free to head back to your beloved district by the end of the week." I count the days. Today is Monday. So we would be staying for 5 days. I feel trapped all of a sudden.

"We have to stay here?" I hear the strain in my voice.

"Well certainly no, but as your doctor, I would certainly encourage it." He replies carefully. He pauses like he has something else he wants to say. "President Paylor would also like to meet with you while you're in the Capitol."

"What? Why?" I can't help the panic from creeping into my voice.

"She wouldn't tell me but she said it wouldn't take long. She's holding some sort of meeting in the temporary government building."

I feel Peeta's eyes burning into the side of my face, watching for my reaction. I counted to ten, willing my face to stay unchanged and waiting for my heart rate to slow.

"Ok," I finally say but my knuckles are white as I ball the end of my shirt into my fist.

"Wonderful!" Dr. Aurelius claps his hands together. Surely he is relieved that I wasn't difficult.

Peeta brings the attention away from me by asking Dr. Aurelius about his home, allowing me time to collect myself. Commander Paylor. No that isn't right, it's _President_ Paylor now. She wants to see Peeta and me, but why? What could this meeting be about?

"Katniss?" I break from my thoughts and look up to see Peeta looking at me with worries eyes. Dr. Aurelius had disappeared from his seat at some point when I was lost in my panic.

"I'm ok." I look away from those eyes, refusing to let him see into my mind. "Where'd he go?" I nod to the now vacant seat before us.

"A housekeeper talking about a visitor at the door," Peeta shrugs but continues to search my face, unwilling to let the matter drop. "I can ask Paylor if I can go for the both of us."

"No. I'm fine. I want to go." I say through a strained voice. Air isn't filling my lungs properly. I find myself having difficulty speaking. Peeta opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by the return of Dr. Aurelius. A girl who looks to be around our age accompanies him. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't tell how I knew her. She has light brown hair and soft green eyes that don't come from the Seam but I'm certain I haven't seen her in town or school before either. She doesn't dress like a Capitol person; her skin is free of apparent alteration and her clothes are simple, presumably made for comfort rather than style.

This left one other option; she is from another district. But I have only met a few people from other districts and most of them are dead.

"My apologies for the disruption. Allow me to introduce you to Celine. She was the victor for the 72nd Hunger Games."

The recognition hits me like an automatic database leftover from the time Peeta, Haymitch, and I trained for the Quarter Quell. Celine Circuit is the victor from District 3. She was 16 when she won and she managed through with an alliance with a girl from District 4, one of the rare times a District 4 tribute didn't team up with the Careers. She was the real fighter and by the time there were only a few tributes left, she was killed in a draw against the female tribute from District 2. With just Celine and the two Careers from District 2, everyone was on their own. There was no district romance for District 2 and in the end, Celine got her hands on a spear and made a strong throw that impaled both of the tributes who were in the middle of fighting each other.

I look at this girl before me and see eyes that are soft but with the scars of battle still behind them. I see me in this girl.

"Celine is another one of my patients. She was only here to schedule another session for another day but she insisted on meeting you two when I told her you were visiting." Dr. Aurelius explained.

"Pleased to meet you. I have heard a lot about you two and I am a fan." She said extending a hand to Peeta and me. Her voice has an accent that doesn't sound like the Capitol's snippy one. Her H's are almost lost completely, her vowels are more exaggerated and her O's in particular are rounder so her greeting sounded more like "Pleesed to meet you. I 'ave 'eard a lot about yoo too and I am ay fan." I can't help but wonder what her story is.

"It's a pleasure." Peeta stands and offers his hand to shake and I follow suit without saying anything but still staring at her.

"Celine has been living in the Capitol since the war ended as one of Paylor's advisors." Dr. Aurelius.

"She deed not know of my survival unteel after zee war." Celine continues to explain in her rounded accent. "Eef yoo are coming to zee meeting I would be 'appy to accompany yoo."

"Thank you that would be great." Peeta accepts for both of us.

"Magnifique! I shall see you soon." She smiled before saying goodbye to Dr. Aurelius and taking her leave.

Teatime continues with small sandwiches and teas that cause my head to feel relaxed and at ease. Peeta and Dr. Aurelius continue their conversation about the detail in the banister of the grand staircase for a while longer until the sandwiches are finished and my stomach is bloated with tea.

"I think I will begin evaluating you both tomorrow first thing in the morning. That way I can take my time." We are then released for the remainder of the afternoon.

I walk with Peeta back up to our rooms and I sit down on the massive bed for a while, but I feel too restless in a bedroom that is so large and unfamiliar. Celine's funny accent and soft green eyes come back to my and President Paylor's meeting starts to haunt my mind. Soon I'm too restless to even sit so I make my way back downstairs and out to the grounds in the back of the house. The grass is perfectly cut and is lusciously green it almost feels fake. I am reminded of the fact that we're in the Capitol and consider the possibility that it _could_ be artificial.

The property is expansive. Straight ahead I see the entrance to a bunch of tall hedges perfectly trimmed. I walk over to a gap in the row of hedges and see that behind it is another row, forming a sort of walkway. I'm about to continue down the path when I notice Peeta coming from the house.

"Hey." He says when he reaches me.

"Hey yourself." I reply.

"Where does that lead?" he asks nodding in the direction I was about to walk.

"I'm not sure I was about to see for myself. Feel like getting lost with me?"

"Always."

* * *

 **Many many many apologies on the delay it took me much longer to get to writing than I had originally intended. In addition, this chapter had less stuff going on, aside from the train scene. I promise things will start to pick up starting from the next chapter.**

 **As a small consolation for the long pause and the slow chapter, I'm going to publish the next chapter by this weekend! Stay tuned for more knee shaking romance and heart racing twists.**

 **I also wanted to say a huge thank you to the people who have added me to their favorite lists and those who have added Real Or Not Real to their follow lists. It really makes posting all of this worth it and I can't be more grateful for any feedback I receive. I welcome any comments, both good and bad. Anything that can help me make this story more enjoyable for you all.**

 **-TPM**


	5. 5 - Evaluation

**As promised! I worked through much of the weekend to bring you a super long chapter to make up for the lack of posts. I hope you're all enjoying the story so far. There's a lot that I want to accomplish in this story before the inevitable happily ever after Suzanne Collins writes so I hope you'll stick with me until the end. I and ever thankful for the support I'm getting from beloved Celine and other guest accounts who I cannot thank personally. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or suggestions, please let me know!**

 **-TPM**

* * *

It becomes apparent to us quickly that we are walking through a maze. The walls of the hedges are thick and impenetrable. The pathway curves around before opening into another pathway that leads left and right. Without meaning to, I map out our journey. I'm not sure how much time passes but by the time we reach a circular opening with a white painted gazebo, the sun is already starting to make its descending arc through the sky. Peeta and I sit in the gazebo and a soft breeze blows through like a gentle caress. It's hard to believe that it's still only early April.

"Real or not real," I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Peeta's voice, "we've met Celine before?" His brow is knitted as he wracks his brain for an explanation.

"Not real. Technically at least." I try to ignore my increased heart rate. Most of the time Peeta and I have played "real or not real" one of us was either having an episode or giving some form of emotional support. I couldn't help myself from thinking that he was going to say something like that again. "We watched her tape when we were training." Peeta slowly nods his head as he continues to search for a memory. When he doesn't say anymore, I feel the disappointment before I can stop it.

"You think Dr. Aurelius will be looking for us?" He asks next, changing the subject.

"I'm sure he knows exactly where we are." I look in the direction of the house with a growing feeling that we're being watched.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I doubt he would really give us freedom while we're here."

"Really? I'm not sure I got that vibe from him." I look to Peeta to see his relaxed face as he leans back.

"He's settled right in to his Capitol life even though he's originally from District 13. He's finally free after all those years of living under Coin's military lifestyle. I can't trust anyone who warms up to the Capitol so fast." I can't keep the edge out of my voice.

"You forget that he also let us stay in his home, no matter how Capitol it is, and has been nothing but kind to us since we've arrived." I search Peeta's eyes, not sure what I'm looking for, but I don't see anything but straightforward honesty.

"I still don't like him." I sound like a child but I don't want to like anyone from the Capitol. Not yet.

"Excuse me, but dinner will be served shortly." An unfamiliar voice cuts in. Peeta and I whip our heads around to see an older gentleman in a plain black suit and white gloves.

"Thank you." Peeta is the first person to recover from the surprise. Neither of us heard him coming. As we walk back through the maze, we linger a few steps behind him.

"Did you hear him at all?"

"No nothing." Peeta confesses. It's hard not impossible to sneak up on a person in grass, but there was only one entrance and one exit so it would be harder to be undetected when your location is already compromised. And yet I was surprised by this... old man.

I'm still eyeing the butler as we exit the maze and walk back towards the mansion.

"This way please." He turns and motions towards a part of the house we haven't been in yet. I walk through double doors and enter a large dining room with dark wood walls and marble floors. A matching dark wood table stretches nearly the whole length of the room and large, plush chairs are lined up around it. I can smell something that makes my mouth water and I quickly pick the seat closest to me. Peeta sits beside me just as the doors open again and Dr. Aurelius enters.

"How was the garden?" He asks casually as he slips into a chair opposite us. I give a look to Peeta at his knowledge of our whereabouts. Peeta acts as if he doesn't see me. Grudgingly I reach for my water glass to take a sip.

"It was great. Your place is so large and well kept. But your friend had no trouble finding us." I nearly choke on my water as I turn to Peeta with a look of awe. Maybe he really did acknowledge my point of view then.

"Ah yes. James is a great butler. Knows the place better than me I suppose." Dr. Aurelius says nothing more on the subject and servants enter to place plates of soup before us so Peeta doesn't say anything else.

* * *

Hours later, I'm lying in bed, my stomach full of sweet soup, savory chicken that melted off the bone, and tiny vegetables soaked in butter. Dessert was a series of little cakes and cookies, each one more delicious than the last.

While rubbing my tummy as it digests, I tilt my head and look out the large window in my room. I can see the moon through the curtains, the same white orb that is in the skies when I go to sleep in District 12. My mind is eased, knowing that I am still under the same moon as at home, but my eyes aren't heavy. I am wide-awake and full of anxiety. Tomorrow I will have to talk to Dr. Aurelius and Peeta won't be there to save me. He'll force me to talk about everything. I don't have confidence in myself to keep control. I am worried that I will fail whatever tests he puts me through. I have an irrational fear that if I don't pass tomorrow I won't be allowed to go home. Like this house will become my prison.

Somehow I fall asleep but I don't get any rest. My dreams are full of the Capitol. The pods that exploded, Bogs and Castor and Finnick, the fur lady who looked like a cat, Prim. I see Snow in the green house full of white roses. I see Coin, dead and crumpled on the ground where she once stood strong and alive. I see the bomb that took my sister away from my play over and over again.

I don't know I'm screaming until I'm shaken awake by Peeta. It takes me a moment to find him in my crazed nightmare. Hair is plastered to my face and I can feel myself drenched in sweat. I see the ceiling of the bedroom and I remember I'm in Dr. Aurelius' home.

"Hey! Hey, hey. It's ok. You're ok. It's just a dream." My sense of hearing returns to me as Peeta's voice is brought into focus.

"Peeta?" My voice is hoarse from the screaming.

"Yes Katniss. It's me. I'm right here. It's ok you're safe." His voice is soothing and he moves the hair away from my sticky skin. It takes me a moment to catch my breath before I sit up and face him.

"I-" I'm not sure what I mean to say but Peeta shushes me and continues to pet my hair.

"It's ok. You don't have to tell me anything. I get them too remember?" His hands are warm and his eyes are full of concern. I am always weaker at night. I reach up and grab the hand that's smoothing my hair and pull him towards me. He wastes no time wrapping himself around me and I let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

The next morning, I start my evaluation. Peeta is to have his appointment in the afternoon. It seems I am the bigger concern and Dr. Aurelius didn't want to waste much time getting started. I enter another new part of the house in the basement, where he conducts all of his treatments and evaluations.

"Now everything looks more scary than it is." He attempts to reassure me when I see the machine in the middle of one room. It's a reclined chair surrounded by some contraption with lots of buttons and wires that all feed into a gadget towards the headrest that almost looks like a headband. "Just pop a squat in the chair and I'll set up everything else."

"What's going to happen to me?" I'm thankful that my voice is steady even though I think my knees are shaking.

"This machine will access the part of your brain that handles memory. This way we can try to assess the memories that are causing you some PTSD and try to remedy the issue."

"But you already know what causes it." I know that I'm stalling but I already feel afraid and hostile towards the machine after Dr. Aurelius' explanation.

"Yes but I need to see how much you have improved since. In order to do that, I need to redo the tests so I can compare your results from last time." My palms are sweaty again.

Dr. Aurelius senses my hesitation and I'm not doing much to try and hide it.

"Look Katniss. I don't want you to be my patient forever." My eyes jump to his in contempt, but all I see from him is a mixture of compassion, concern, and a little bit of pity. I quickly avert my eyes so that it doesn't further irritate me. "I don't mean that I hate you. I can't hate any of my patients."

"But you would if I wasn't your patient?"

"No I don't think that's the case. I think you're difficult, but I've enjoyed having you as my patient since the beginning back in 13."

"No you enjoyed the free time."

"That may be true. But I'm done being lazy. I became a doctor to help and I haven't done enough for you or Peeta yet. That ends today. I will work with you Katniss, but you have to work with me too." I eye him for a while. I still don't trust him and I'm about to say something about his new extravagant life here, but he changes the subject back to the tests. "Shall we?" With the moment to argue gone, I decide to grow up a little and walk over to the chair. I sit down lightly, as if afraid that the machine is going to grab me and hold me down all of a sudden.

"Let me just make a few adjustments and then we can begin. What you are going to see is your trauma. The machine is going to force your brain to relive the memories and you have to force yourself to acknowledge that these events have passed and your only way out is to move on. Don't stay stuck in the memory. Think about what happens next." I carefully nod and lay back into the chair. The headpiece is fitted around my head and buttons are pressed. I feel a low hum under my chair as the machine comes to life. Dr. Aurelius then injects a needle into the inside of my arm and I see a clear liquid lazily making its way into my veins. My eyes get heavy and then I'm out.

* * *

At first I see nothing. Then, as if the sun is slowly rising, the blackness fades and I take in the scene that lies before me. I'm staring out of a window into a room. A very thin and pale looking Peeta is strapped into a bed with monitors plugged into him checking his vitals. When his eyes find me I am no longer protected behind the window, but instead I am standing before him. He looks at me with such contempt and loathing in his eyes. I opens his mouth and he starts yelling obscenities at me.

"You can't be trusted! You're a monster! I will kill you!" He's struggling against his restraints and I can feel my heart pounding in my throat as if trying to escape. I know what's coming next and before I can scream "NO!" Peeta is released and his hands are closing in on my throat.

I feel tears spilling over my cheeks as my breathing gets shallow and I fight against his hands.

"You're a mutt. You never loved me. You're a heartless b-" I shut my eyes as my only defense against the cruel words coming out of his mouth. I try to escape. I wish everything to just go away. But it doesn't stop. I don't faint from my airway getting cut off and instead, I dangle somewhere between breathing and gasping for air.

I don't know how long I listen to Peeta's rant before Dr. Aurelius' voice comes back to me.

 _Your only way out is to move on._

What happens after this? Where in time is this? My eyes tear away from Peeta's manic face and search the room. The memories flood back to me. This is the medical wing of District 13. After Coin's recon team came back with Peeta and Annie and Johanna, I came to see Peeta and that's when he strangled me. What happened next? Peeta was pulled off of me.

It's like the room was attached to my mind. Wait. Of course it is. But I'm only just remembering this now. Haymitch and Plutarch come in and pull Peeta's hands away from around my throat and sweet air fills my lungs again.

The scene melts away and another memory unfolds before me. I see the Capitol streets before me and crowds of people are moving in one direction. My heart starts pounding and my body knows what's happening before my mind can make sense of everything. I look ahead of me and see the gates of the President's house. I see children being lifted over the gates to the inside and then I see her.

Glowing from within as if she's already an angel, blond hair braided out of her face, a stern, grown up look that doesn't belong on such a little person, Prim is hard at word as a medic. I only have another moment to watch her before the parachutes fall from the sky, her eyes meet mine, and then she's gone.

* * *

It feels like forever before I come back to my senses. I watch Prim die over and over again, the memory resetting like a broken record. I keep screaming and crying, not sure if it's in my mind or not. When I finally come to, I'm only a shell of myself. I see the machine that reproduced such terrifying nightmares and I shift my eyes and see Dr. Aurelius sitting before me, scribbling onto a piece of paper in an open file on his lap. He looks up at me and I see sadness and pity in his eyes. I am too weak, too spent, to retract my gaze. He stands up and releases me from the headset and I sit up. I finally realize that I am drenched in sweat and my cheeks are moist with tears. I swallow only to discover that my throat is sore from overuse and I know that I was screaming and crying outside my mind. My body is shivering and I can't bring myself to do anything. My mind is still haunted by the things I relived. Echoes of Peeta, Prim, and Snow slowly fade away in the back of my head.

"I can see some improvements in your fears concerning Peeta." Dr. Aurelius offers as good news. "You were able to recognize the memory as past tense and something in your brain used positivity to bring you out of it." I know, without knowing anything about science that it is because of Peeta's return to District 12. I have seen his gentle side return with my own eyes and have already begun to trust him again.

"As for Prim," he pauses, "I don't see your condition getting any worse but I don't see much improvement either." Dr. Aurelius is looking at me with concern. I can't bring myself to say anything. All I want to do is go back to my room and crawl into bed.

As if reading my mind, Dr. Aurelius soon dismisses me after telling me that he's overall pleased with my condition. I don't feel any pride or relief. I feel nothing but hollow.

In my room I stare at my newly made bed and look down at my disheveled self. I resolve to wash off some of the sweat and tears so that I don't dirty the sheets but I don't do much more than stand in the stream from the shower. I can't bring myself to care enough to use any of the soaps or shampoos and after a while, I'm too tired to keep standing there so I turn off the water, dry myself off with a fluffy towel, and dress in a T-shirt and my underclothes and crawl into bed.

I don't know how long I sleep but when I open my eyes next, I see the sky starting to turn colors as the sun starts to disappear in the horizon. What wakes me is the disturbing sound of someone screaming. I can tell right away that it's Peeta and it sounds to similar to my nightmares in the machine that I almost want to burry myself into the covers again. Then I realize that the sounds must be coming from Peeta and he must be screaming. I find that I can't ignore it and I start to make my way downstairs after putting on some loose pajama pants with elastic in the waist.

The screams get louder and louder as I make my way closer to the basement and before long I'm standing outside the room with the machine and the nightmares. I test the door to see that it's unlocked. I'm about to lose my nerve and walk back upstairs when Peeta screams again, but this time he's screaming my name.

Without a second thought I run inside and startle Dr. Aurelius. I see Peeta in the reclined chair with the headset on and his mouth open in an O shape.

"Katniss! Katniss!" He keeps yelling and I start to run to him. Dr. Aurelius stops me.

"You can't touch him." He says and he's holding me with surprising strength.

"He's in pain." I argue as I try to get around him. I'm contemplating breaking one of his arms so he'll let me through.

"He's just dreaming."

"Those aren't just dreams!" I'm yelling now. "They're nightmares! How can you just stand here and watch someone go through that?!" When he doesn't respond I tear my eyes away from Peeta's red face to see a look I can't read on his face.

"Remarkable." He mumbles.

"What?" I'm angry and my voice is hostile.

"Nothing. Listen Katniss. The only way for him to get better is for you to leave him alone." I'm about to growl at him when he rests his hands on my shoulders. They are heavy as they pressure me into the ground, frozen in place. "You can't help him right now. This is his battle. If you try and wake him, his memories could be altered for the worse." I'm not sure I believe his words but I don't want to challenge him in case he's telling the truth. "You have to trust me on this one Katniss. I won't let anything bad happen to him. You have my word." I search his eyes for the lies and the deceit but I can't find them. I look back and Peeta again who's whimpering and my heart aches for reasons I cannot address at the moment. Finally I look back at Dr. Aurelius and then I leave.

I don't get far, at first I just wait outside the door, but Peeta's screams and cries start to unnerve me so I go back upstairs and head outside. Only a sliver of the sun is left peaking out over the horizon and the air is slowly getting chillier. I think about going back to my room but I can't seem to control my body anymore. It feels heavy and sluggish so I just sit in the plush lounge chairs facing the open backyard. I continue to stare into the horizon long after the sun has set. At some point Peeta stops screaming and a small part of my mind tells me that he must be done. I know I should go to him and see if he's all right but my body seems to have shut down again. My arms are covered in Goosebumps but I can't even get my body to rearrange itself to shield from the cool breeze.

It's not until the butler James appears and beckons me to dinner that I move from my staring contest with the sky. I quietly follow him to the dining room trying not to think about Peeta but thinking about nothing else.

Dr. Aurelius is sitting already and he looks more worn out than earlier when I barged into the room in the basement.

"Peeta will not be joining us this evening." He says in a tired voice. I don't say anything in response but my mind slowly wonders where he went.

Throughout dinner, my mind keeps wandering upstairs to Peeta's room and when I pull my thoughts away from him I'm dragged into the memories I relieved in the machine. Between those topics I don't have much of an appetite and excuse myself before dessert is served.

"We shall pick up again tomorrow morning Katniss." Dr. Aurelius says carefully. I feel my stomach drop. I don't want to continue tomorrow. I don't want to go near the machine again. I don't want to hear Peeta screaming again. I don't want to see Prim again. "It won't be the same thing as today." Dr. Aurelius reads my mind. I search his eyes, wondering if I should ask what tomorrow will bring, but eventually decide against it and just continue my departure out of the dining room and back up the grand staircase.

When I reach the landing I pause outside of Peeta's room. I don't hear anything from inside. I wonder if I should knock on his door and see how he is because he's checked up on me so many times already. But I don't have a strong resolve. I fear rejection and the old Peeta that strangled me. I'm afraid of what I will find if I open the door. Instead, I continue to walk towards my own room.

I'm just pushing the door open when I hear Peeta's door open. I pause and turn my head. He's standing there, looking tired and a little disheveled, but healthier and with lighter eyes than the Peeta I saw in my nightmare.

"Hey." His voice is soft and a little raspy.

"Hey." I say back. It's the first thing I've said in hours and I have to clear my throat to produce a voice.

"Would you..." His sentence drops off and his eyes fall to the ground. He looks so small right now. His broad shoulders are hunched inward like he's shielding himself against the world. Seeing him like this causes a dull pain in my heart to rise. "Never mind. Goodnight Katniss." He says but he doesn't move. I'm not sure what to do now. I should leave him alone if he isn't saying anything. He already said goodnight. I _should_ leave. But he doesn't move away like he's going to sleep. He stands there with his eyes on the ground and my mind starts to come to a conclusion. Maybe it's my turn to take the initiative. Maybe Peeta is having trouble with his words. The thought confuses me. Peeta is rarely unable to speak up. The realization makes my heart hurt more.

Instead of wasting anymore time on thinking or waiting for Peeta to say anything, I slowly approach him like a wounded animal, waiting to see if he'll lash out or break down, and I reach one hand up to his hair. The fine strands of gold are soft in my fingers and he lifts his head to look at me in reaction to the gesture. My hand drops lower to the side of his face and whether conscious or not, Peeta immediately leans his face into the palm of my hand and his eyes flutter closed.

Without words, I pull my hand away, causing him to open his eyes again in confusion. I carefully move closer to him and give him a gentle push back into his room. I can't see much in the darkness but I see the bed, large like my own, taking up most of the room in the middle. I lead him to the bed and get in with him. I pull the covers up to our chins and I pull the boy with the bread close to me. I feel him sigh into my body and his muscles slowly begin to relax. In minutes, we are both asleep in a dreamless peace that is only achieved when we are together.


End file.
